“What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate”
Tariq breaks down the breakdown
Friends,
Your homie Tariq emailed this last week, and I just had a chance to read it. It contains humor, sadness, and many moments of truth. You people mean a lot to me, but since I can’t afford to buy nice watches for everyone, I thought I’d share this instead.
Love and kisses,
Farmer Jones
P.S. I hope Quotemonger doesn’t read this. Dude’s head might literally explode.
—
By Tariq al Hayder/Haydar/Phonetic English Spelling of your Choice
“Lost in translation or just lost in traffic?”
-Black Thought, “Rising Down”
You know that sinking feeling that engulfs you when you realize that a game you want to watch is being called by none other than Reggie “Screech” Miller? I know that sensation all too well, but even though I have the option, in that situation, to switch to the local Arab announcers, I stick with Screech. That should tell you all you need to know about the basketball “experts” over at Arab Radio and Television (ART).
When it comes to football/futbol/soccer, there are plenty of truly knowledgeable guys who enhance the viewing experience, dudes who have actually played the game, like the Algerian legend Rabah Madjer, arguably the greatest ever Arab player, who scored an incredible back-heel goal for Porto in the 1987 European Cup Final, a goal that Pele described thusly: “It would have been the greatest goal I have ever seen, if he had not looked back at it.”
Basketball, however, is not the domain of legends over here. Instead, it’s dominated by post-botched-lobotomy mouth-breathers. Of course, as with any human endeavor in which incompetence reigns, there is in this predicament a gold mine of unintentional hilarity. One timeless remark still echoes in my prefrontal cortex, a classic line from the 2000 Olympics, when the Egyptian announcer blurted:
“I am so very proud of Shareef Abdul Rahman (sic). It is wonderful to see our fellow Arabs having successful careers in the NBA.”
I’ve endured hours of sonic molestation in order to compile the following, a greatest-hits list of blunders. I hope my agony brings you pleasure:
* “After counting the votes, it was revealed that the 2008 MVP was Kob Ryan, who narrowly defeated Chris Bowles.”
* During Game 1 of the Celtics-Cavs series: “This game is being played at this historic stadium, which lies in the very middle of the city of Celtic in America. This city has a large Irish and Scottish population.”
* “If New Orleans Hornets advance to the West Finals, they will surely lose, because they have a five-man rotation, which can be very exhausting.”
* “Paul Gasol managed to shoot from the key post because the safety was absent.”
* “The problem with the Utah Jazz is that they lack a powerful player who can score under the basket.”
* “Carlos Boozer has a very good spin shot.”
* “Before the season, Byron Scott stressed to his players that they needed to win 55-60 games in order to qualify for the Playoffs.”
* “It is very strange that the coach of the Boston insists on allowing this Ray Allen to play.”
* “The ploy of the coach of San Antonio Spurs has been exposed: before, adversaries were shocked when the Argentine Ginobili participated. Now, even though he is not among the five original players, they realize he is very skilled and can prepare for his imminent arrival.”
* “Byron Scott has played with many legends, including Magic, Kareem and Burt Rambis.”
* “Those were three very beautiful points from…this player you see on the screen…number 12… (pauses)… Chris Bone… I’m sorry, I apologize profusely, it appears that this is Michael Finley, who has replaced Chris Thomas.”
* “Amusingly, Richard Hamilton wears a plastic mask because it is a good-luck charm.”
* “The starting wing player for New Orleans Hornets is Maurice Patterson.”
* “Kevin Durant is good because he is tall.”
* “Chauncey Billups and Richard Wallace have scored the required number of points….Excuse me, I meant to say Rasheed Lewis.”
* “The Utah Jazz encountered many problems this evening, especially on the offensive and defensive ends.”
* “If any one of the Hornets feels that the probability of his shot attempt is 60%, he immediately executes a skip pass instead.”
* “The Detroit last won a championship in 2002.”
* “Since San Antonio Spurs have fallen behind 2-0, they must now win four consecutive games in order to advance.”
* “As you can see, number 5 Walter Herman has replaced Jameer Nelson as the point guard for the Orlando and will now dribble the ball.”
* “When Ming was injured, the Rockets collapsed. When Billups was injured, Detroit collapsed. Therein lies the strength of the Lakers: they can withstand an injury to any one of their key players because they are a cohesive unit.”
* “Joanne Dixon has checked into the game.”
* “When Atlanta won two games, and the series became tied at 2-2, Boston Celtics immediately made it a priority to ensure the series also remained tied at 3-3, because they have home-court advantage.”
* “Paul Gasol tries a stop move, but is fouled by the Utah.”
* “Rasheed Wallace has sent the following message to the rest of the NBA: ‘It is futile to try to stop my turnaround three, because it is a shot I own.’”
85 Responses to ““What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate””
May.21 at 3:30 pm
H to the izzo says:
I heart Tariq.I heart Tariq for hearting Ryan enough to make Ryan heart Tariq.
May.21 at 3:33 pm
Nick says:
very nice tariq. I’m pretty sure i would still rather have one of these cats then Reggie.
May.21 at 3:35 pm
H to the izzo says:
The Utah Jazz encountered many problems this evening, especially on the offensive and defensive ends.”
May.21 at 3:39 pm
Nick says:
I can appreciate foreign basketball commentary as well. Despite being stateside, i used to watch rockets games on the chinese national sports channel (CCTV 5) via the internet because of a depressing lack of league pass. after a whole season, i actually learned some chinese (mostly chinese pronunciations of rocket players’ names/two or three hundred different ways to praise yao ming). In all, an enriching experience.
May.21 at 3:40 pm
Nick says:
“It is futile to try to stop my turnaround three, because it is a shot I own.’” is the next “ball don’t lie”.
May.21 at 3:47 pm
Tariq says:
Thanks TAD. I heart me too. I should thank my cousin Ayman for bringing that “city of Celtic” remark to my attention.
May.21 at 3:52 pm
H to the izzo says:
I’m not TAD,but ok.
May.21 at 3:55 pm
Nick says:
I also am not tad, but i too heart tariq.
May.21 at 3:55 pm
Jake Appleman says:
!
May.21 at 4:01 pm
t-rocc says:
tears. tears are running down my face. this was so, so funny…
May.21 at 4:07 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
Kob Ryan, Chris Bowles, Ryan Jones and Tariq all in one post! I love it. Hilariously fantastic, Riq!
May.21 at 4:10 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Is that Holly the traitor? Who invited her?
May.21 at 4:10 pm
Allenp says:
Good God it sucks to watch basketball where you live. I think I would actually break my television if I had to deal with this.
May.21 at 4:21 pm
Nick says:
Tariq, this inspired me to read your blog for the first time in awhile. I know this is entirely off topic, but i looked at your top ten books and i happen to have just re-re-read breakfast of champions, and i couldn’t get any of my literary nerd friends to agree with me that it was a top 3 vonnegut novel. (my top 3 being breakfast of champions, slaughterhouse 5, and bluebeard). Yeah, that has nothing to do with anything, but i’m thrilled someone actually agrees with me.
May.21 at 4:21 pm
Tuomas says:
Damn, should stroll down memory lane and make a worst-of about Finnish “announcers”. Sydney 2000 displayed many gems, among them how the guy went silent for like an eternity when someone goaltended Kidd’s layup. “…And the other team gets the ball because of a foul”. He also insisted for the whole tournament on pronouncing Garnett like he was from France. I’ll take Reggie paired with Walton instead of that. Great sh*t Tariq, appreciate it. But the Allen remark was legit though, no jinx intended.
May.21 at 4:32 pm
mamadou n'diaye says:
Incredible finds. Thank you for enriching our lives.
May.21 at 4:33 pm
Eboy says:
T, if you are going to continue to get Ryan to post these pieces for you, the least you could do is put over our group blog in your link. Come on, son. This almost seems “incredibly nice to have people touch my work and count my blessings.”
May.21 at 4:35 pm
what says:
AAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is like borat doing commentary greatest post on slamonline EVER
May.21 at 4:42 pm
mamadou n'diaye says:
passes to the man, and boom goes the dynamite!
May.21 at 4:43 pm
Tariq says:
izzo: Sorry!
May.21 at 4:48 pm
Tariq says:
Nick:
Breakfast of Champions is THE best Vonnegut. Or at least better than the others I’ve read, which are Bluebeard, Slaughterhouse 5 and Man Without a Country.
May.21 at 4:51 pm
Tariq says:
tuomas:
The Allen remark was probably legit in retrospect, but I don’t think the guy knew who Ray Allen was.
May.21 at 4:58 pm
TADOne says:
Tariq hearts me even when i’m not commenting. Man-crush?
May.21 at 4:59 pm
Cheryl says:
Hi-fu)kin-larious, Tariq! Boston actually does have a large Irish population, but that was funny as hel1. And finally, Durant is good because he is tall. Man, you must crack up listening to these guys!
May.21 at 5:08 pm
its just alex says:
Incredible.
May.21 at 5:20 pm
Tuomas says:
Tariq, um, you don’t say? The Sydney guy, however, thought he knew Ray all because he’d heard about his role in He Got Game. “Ray Allen, he’s a superstar who makes a lot of money, likes to drive fast cars, act in movies and date beautiful women. But now, the superstar is in trouble against France. Viva la France!”
May.21 at 6:23 pm
Johnny Kilroy says:
“If any one of the Hornets feels that the probability of his shot attempt is 60%, he immediately executes a skip pass instead.” I mean, that did kinda seem like their gameplan right?
May.21 at 6:24 pm
Johnny Kilroy says:
* “Rasheed Wallace has sent the following message to the rest of the NBA: ‘It is futile to try to stop my turnaround three, because it is a shot I own.’” There is deep knowledge within ATR
May.21 at 6:25 pm
Tariq says:
Johnny Kilroy:
You would be great as a sideline reporter over here.
May.21 at 6:26 pm
Tariq says:
Not that they actually have sideline reporters, of course.
May.21 at 6:43 pm
SMK says:
Burt Rambis = Legend. They must love the mustache.
May.21 at 6:49 pm
ciolkstar says:
these were hilarious. I just wrote a post about hoping reggie isn’t announcing the Spurs/lakers series but atleast he knows what some of the players names are…Thanks Tariq, this was hilarious.
May.21 at 6:50 pm
d.Y. says:
C’mon T. Some of that was right. Rip does wear a mask because he’s superstitious. His nose ain’t still broken. Burt Rambis has cooked the best hot dogs in LA for 25 years, with only 4 health code violations. Durant would suck if he was 4′7″, and that last one totally sounded like a Sheed quote.
May.21 at 6:50 pm
ciolkstar says:
How long did it take to compile all of these?
May.21 at 7:20 pm
J.B says:
wow, sounds hilarious..well at least you got nba bball. i can;t catch any glimps of the playoffs here in holland..
May.21 at 7:27 pm
Tariq says:
ciolkstar:
About a week.
May.21 at 7:32 pm
Tariq says:
d.Y:
Rip broke his nose 3 times in the same season. He needs to wear it as protection, just like why Petr Cech wears a helmet. As for Burt Rambis, he was great in Cannonball Run 2.
May.21 at 7:39 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Thanks for the segue, ‘riq: I got home just in time to turn on the Follower and hear Wilbon and Kornhole discussing the Champs League final on PTI. Wilbon just kept harping on how Drogba’s ejection-earning b*tch slap was “wide-receiver behavior,” because god forbid we talk about soccer with making an American football reference. Korny I at least give credit for just saying “I don’t know anything about soccer” before mocking Cech for wearing “a swim cap.”
May.21 at 7:40 pm
Ryan Jones says:
*without making…
May.21 at 7:40 pm
Ryan Jones says:
My point, obviously, is I can’t wait til we elect a Muslim president. That’ll make everything ok.
May.21 at 7:45 pm
d.Y. says:
I nominate Action Abul Rauf.
May.21 at 7:46 pm
d.Y. says:
Abdul, I mean
May.21 at 7:46 pm
B. Long says:
The Ray Allen quote made a little bit of pee come out.
May.21 at 7:47 pm
Tariq says:
Ryan:
That “Muslim president” remark reminds me of a recent Daily Show episode where they interviewed random West Virginians and asked them why they voted for Hillary. One woman said “Because we have problems with the other race” and another lady started screaming “Because of Hussein! I’m tired of the Hussein!” I guess they think my boy Barack is a Muslim.
May.21 at 7:50 pm
Tariq says:
And speaking of the CL Final, I never knew that watching a grown man cry (John Terry) could be so damn enjoyable. Does that make me cruel? No. Does that make me kind of a dick? Not as much as people who talk using questions to illustrate their points.
May.21 at 8:00 pm
Tariq says:
Oh, and Ryan: Nice Black Thought quote.
May.21 at 8:00 pm
TADOne says:
I love seeing grown men cry. When the Duke Blue Devils lost to UConn in the ‘99 NCAA Championship game, I found myself yelling at the tv to the Duke players on the bench, “Come on, squirt some tears, PUNK!”
May.21 at 8:15 pm
Jackie Moon says:
I am going to print a t-shirt that says “it is futile to try to stop my turnaround three, because it is a shot i own.”
May.21 at 8:37 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
I believe Cech was dressed as a World War 1 aviator, sans goggles.
May.21 at 8:57 pm
Tariq says:
Russ:
Very accurate.
May.21 at 9:27 pm
Simone Lawy says:
hilarious…..everybody luv SHEEDDDDDDDD…….
May.21 at 10:51 pm
Diogo says:
This goes out to my “fellow” arabs.
The Ming-Billups-Lakers line is simply amazing
May.21 at 10:56 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
This is hilarious
May.21 at 11:53 pm
Dacre says:
The Utah Jazz encountered many problems this evening, especially on the offensive and defensive ends.” roflol
May.22 at 12:43 am
jay says:
woww this is some funny ish, out of everything,i laughed out loud at BURT RAMBIS, idk why. Good job with the title Ryan, whenever i hear that line (obviously not often) i just cant help but continue “Some men you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it.. well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than any of you men.” & for some very obvious reason, i saw the dig at 24 coming.
May.22 at 2:40 am
Fyan says:
Cech had a fractured skull a while back that’s why he’s wearing the rugby helmet. We, rugby players, wear it to prevent cauliflower ears. Btw what is the required number of points? Anyone?
May.22 at 2:47 am
Froggiestyle says:
Now we just need the right person to do the voice over - with an over the top thick accent. BuRRRRRRRrt rrRRRRRrrrAAambiss. too funny Tariq. Bien vu. PS. I’m pissed ManU won in spite of Ronaldo’s choke show.
May.22 at 3:53 am
KA says:
my head hurts.
May.22 at 3:57 am
Hursty says:
nice job man 
hahaha!!! great Tariq. Sorry this isnt earlier
May.22 at 6:10 am
maio says:
Give those guys a break. How would Hubie Brown do calling a camel race?
May.22 at 6:34 am
cream jr says:
Reminds me of back in the day when i was watching nba action in Sweden with a swedish commentator and he called Antonio McDyess McTonio McDyess AND San Antnio McDyess during the same show.
May.22 at 7:34 am
Randy Brown says:
This is hysterical. The commentators we have in the UK are awful and incompetent, but they look like a dream team of Marv and Bill compared to this
May.22 at 8:10 am
Shawn Bradley Jr. says:
Here in France every good arab playmaker is compared to Zinedine Zidane, even if they haven’t prooved anything, (like head-butting people during a Worldcup final.)
May.22 at 8:13 am
Shawn Bradley Jr. says:
proven instead of prooved
May.22 at 8:58 am
solito says:
The first NBA Game I watched was the Lakers - Celtics final in the late 80’s. Austrian TV would just start broadcasting the live feed from NBC at 3 am. No local commentator and no commericals. 3h non-stop. So you could hear the crew talk during the TV commercials… Great stuff.
May.22 at 9:05 am
Ryan Jones says:
jay: Thanks, but the title was Tariq’s, not mine. That is one of my favorite movies, though.
Fyan: I know why Cech was wearing the helmet, hence my attempt to illustrate the relative incompetence of American sports “experts” talking about soccer with the incompetence of Arab guys broadcasting hoops. You know you’re like… (counts on fingers…) 12 letters away from having a really cool name?
May.22 at 9:22 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
As Tuomas brought it up and I was already thinking it, here goes - some of the incredible non sequiturs from a Finnish announcer Finns like to call “Bubi”. (It must have been him at the Olympics as well.) “In my papers this player is listed as Emerson, but since the Brazilians have so many nicknames of all sorts, let’s just call this player Ricardinho.” (E had replaced R in the World Cup). “That was a good pass. Or more like semi-good. So it wasn’t good enough.” “This is one of the sports named football in which you can’t touch the ball with your hands.” “This man has played in the Mexican League for three seasons, during which time he’s twice been the Spanish League scoring champ.” “Now he gets a yellow card, but he doesn’t get if for keeps, the referee just shows it to him.” “In the World Cup, you get no points for a loss.” “Of course, it isn’t necessary to get carded, but sometimes it is necessary to get carded, but here it wasn’t necessary to get carded.” “This will be the last chance of the period to decice this game during this period, provided that you consider scoring a goal any kind of decision.” “Sports is not politics, but on second thought, sports is nothing but politics.” “It is exciting when these players hit the goal post, but, in the end, the result is the same as being off by 30 feet, since the fact is that only the balls that are directed between the posts can end up in the goal.” Lastly, my personal favorite: “The team that scores more goals wins the game, but it’s possible neither team scores any goals, or both teams score the same number of goals, which results in a draw, expect if they insist on deciding the game in order to find out the winner.”
May.22 at 9:24 am
Shawn Bradley Jr. says:
Basketball announcers here in France kick ass : we’ve got Jacques Monclar, George Eddy (who’s from Florida, USA) and Xavier Vaution. They are all are great.
May.22 at 9:32 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
And oh yeah: Tariq’s quotes were just awesome.
May.22 at 9:59 am
Tuomas says:
Actually Slobo, it wasn’t Bubi but some guy apparently picked from the street who (as demonstrated above) didn’t have a clue of either the rules or players, and who obviously didn’t have previous experience in sports announcing of any kind. But yeah, he was probably still better than Bubi. Our national channel specializes in keeping the same guys for decades in some cases, during which time they gradually keep getting worse and worse. Bubi is very much a classic example of this. Astonishing really. Stephen A. is a heavenly fountain of wisdom in comparison, a Mississippi of thoughts if you will.
May.22 at 10:20 am
Cub Buenning says:
Nice T. Hilarious stuff. Although not an avid “novel” reader, myself, Kurt Vonnegut is my shizzle.
Cat’s Cradle.
May.22 at 10:51 am
Tariq says:
Thanks Cub, Slobo.
May.22 at 11:10 am
Cub Buenning says:
T, where’s some posts on the Green Falcons? I know little of their current roster, as i haven’t seen them play much since the 02 Cup (missed all but one of their ‘06 games)
May.22 at 11:16 am
Tariq says:
Cub, OK, I need to email u, man.
May.22 at 11:18 am
H to the izzo says:
I didn’t enjoy Terry’s tears as much as I should have,I feel ashamed.
May.22 at 11:25 am
Tariq says:
izzo:
You should have seen the ART reporters who were in the middle of Man Utd and Chelsea fans after the game. Whenever the poor guys would try to make any kind of observations, these fat, drunk, shirtless English dudes would scream “F*CK YEAH!” or “BULLOCKS!”
Very entertaining.
May.22 at 11:27 am
salah says:
and dont forget,, he once said that he thinks that michael jordan is not the best player in za wor-led because he only have 6 rings
May.22 at 11:29 am
H to the izzo says:
Within the first three minutes of United winning the Irish commentators had mention the Munich tragedy 1,228 times.And f*ck Christiano Ronaldo.
May.22 at 4:10 pm
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Not that I want to nitpick… Ok, who am I kidding. Tariq, the Brits actually say “bollocks”… And Tuomas, Stephen A. might be a heavenly fountain (of what, that I don’t know), but at least Bubi doesn’t scream. Nor does he even raise his voice. Ever. In fact, are we sure he didn’t die sometime in the early 80s?
May.22 at 5:47 pm
snyper48 says:
Tariq I’ve been down with this site for the past 7 years or something and I can tell you that this was THE most entertained I’ve been by a post.It’s almost 11 here in Angola,wifey woke up bcuz of the sound of my laughter and kicked me out of the bedroom.I’ll spend the night at the couch but it’s ok.
May.22 at 5:55 pm
snyper48 says:
This is pure gold,I just cant stop laughing,wifey will kick me to the curb today.
May.23 at 12:09 am
db says:
Since I am required to comment per your FB command:
I heart Nick, whoever the heck he is, for putting Bluebeard in his top 3 Vonneguts. Dear lovely Nick, where does Cat’s Cradle fall for you?
Otherwise, my favorite part was the intro because it seems I’m completely ignorant when it comes to anything NBA-related. But it’s not my fault. I blame my golfing and otherwise sports-indifferent father.
However, good writing is good writing, NBA or no.
May.24 at 5:02 am
Hursty says:
go Guns and Roses.
May.24 at 9:13 am
Tariq says:
Danielle!
Jun.14 at 11:50 pm
Aaron says:
If rasheed never said this, ‘It is futile to try to stop my turnaround three, because it is a shot I own.’”, can we get him to do it? Possiby for a whole season?